Toys in the attic
by Odradek
Summary: In hindsight, there were three moments that could define his relationship with Kenny. When Craig pulled away all of his prejudices, dreaming about something great; when he asked himself if that was worth it; and when he realised it was already too late.
1. How do you feel?

**Toys in the attic**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own South Park. I wrote this for fun.**

**BETA: Scarybones. Thank you so much for your patience, effort, and time. I just added some thing after her help, so, if you find any mistakes, my bad.**

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**Chapter one: How do you feel?**

_Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone._

_― **J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye**_

* * *

As time went by, Craig realised this was his favourite place in the whole world. The sound of his footsteps on the gravel and the brown leaves cracking while he passed by; the silent sun setting down; the moss in the unused tran tracks; the cold wind freezing his nose. He wanted to believe it was just that, but he had to admit that it was Kenny's company that made that place perfect. Honestly, he used to love the silence between them... But now Kenny made him nervous, insecure. Sometimes he wanted him away, and sometimes he liked to think maybe the two of them could escape from this crappy town through the train tracks...

"C'mon, Craig. Let's go to your house."

"Are you stupid or just deaf? I said no."

"Why not?"

"I already told you. I don't like you."

Or maybe not. They weren't actually _that_ close.

Craig's words didn't seem to hurt Kenny. He just kept looking at Craig, with the last sun's shine slightly lighting his face and his messy hair. Craig could admire his few freckles and how the twilight made his normally brilliant smile look sad. He didn't actually hated him. It was just...He was ruining everything with his useless chitchat...

He wasn't used to thinking of people as actual human beings. For him, Kenny had been just another pain in the ass, like all the school mates he had, but now...

"I know you love to think you're a piece of shit, Craig, but I still like you," he said, slightly laughing.

That was enough.

"Look, just because we had the same idea of skipping P.E. every week to come here, doesn't mean we're suddenly friends or something. You don't know me, and I don't know you... as a matter fact, I still think you suck".

"Hm. Okay"

Kenny was still smiling, like none of his words hurt him. Craig wanted him to be that way: silent and beautiful, watching the crappy landscape with him. But now, strangely, his silence made him nervous. Maybe because he knew he wanted to say something. Why did he put so much effort in pushing Kenny away? He would never know. Why was Kenny so interested in getting to know him? That was the real mystery in the whole situation.

"Why are you so determinate to break into my house?" he finally asked.

"I don't know. It's getting cold. Winter's already started."

"Go to _your_ home, then."

Kenny didn't answer back, just kept smiling in the sunset, not aware of Craig staring at him from the corner of his eye.

"Ok, you got me. I just want to be with you. Get to know you better... Does that sound strange to you?"

"Not really. I mean, coming from you..." Craig sighed. "Perhaps we could go to my house and play some video games. But don't get used to it," he said, facing at him. He didn't even wait for the answer. He just crossed the train tracks, walking home.

Kenny followed him with a laugh on his face.

"Can I hold your hand?"

"What? No. That's faggy, you perv" said Craig, thinking how weird Kenny was.

He did it anyways. Craig didn't say anything.

Kenny broke his favourite Red Racer toy. Craig forgave him. They had their first kiss during a cheesy sleepover they both had. Just the two of them. They laughed nervously after the first contact between them and then Craig promised himself not to let Kenny go away, no matter what. He realised it was more beyond that his handsome face, his perverted jokes and his brilliants but sad smiles.

Three years passed by, they were now sophomores, still sharing their secret world where no one apart from them was allowed.


	2. How is it going at school?

Toys in the attic

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own South Park. I wrote this for fun.**

**Beta: The amazing Courtaine :) thank you so much.**

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Chap two: How is it going at school?

_They walked along, two continents of experience and feeling unable to communicate_

_― **William Golding, Lord of the Flies**_

* * *

Craig sighed, feeling the fall wind outside and the tree branches knocking his window. When he was a child, he used to think the sound was somebody playing a strange flute, but now it was more like somebody crying, desperate for help, struggling and insisting.

Kenny changed his position in bed. Craig was on it as well, lying down in the corner. He had been static in the same position for hours. Kenny wasn't like that; he needed to move every couple of minutes being so hyperactive. A few pieces of paper fell off the bed, but neither of them seemed to care. Craig's bedroom was a mess anyway, with all the drawers opened, the floor covered with clothes –dirty or clean–, cups, text books, CDs and notebooks. The curtain was always slightly opened, he never bothered in opening or closing it as part of his daily routine. There was always a weak, red sunbeam at twilight in Craig's face. He didn't like it, but never bothered changing his position in bed. That's how their little kingdom was. A static chaos.

"Why are you in this yearbook shit again?" asked Craig when Kenny finally found glue inside of an unused drawer."

"Stan needed help. Well, actually, Wendy was the one who needed help, but, you know..." answered Kenny, passing through the finished pages, not even looking at the pictures he was gluing.

Kenny was a mess when it came to gluing. He was good at origami and a few other crafty things, but when it came to repairing, gluing, or sewing, he sucked; Craig never knew why. When he broke Craig's favourite Red Racer toy, he had tried to repair it and it was a mess. Craig told him he shouldn't have worried about it, putting it in the attic with all the other things that didn't catch his attention anymore. Craig felt so happy that time. Kenny was so kind to him, always worried about those little things, looking for Craig's smile every time he could. Once, he even told him he would help him to make his dreams come true. Craig just laughed at his face, telling him they were too young to be talking about cheesy things like dreams.

"You know? This whole thing looks so...fake," said Craig. He had always hated that. Since he was a child, he noticed how teenagers seemed so social and happy, but he could tell all of that crap was fake. He realized that while observing all the stupid drama his stupid schoolmates used to have.

"I know," said Kenny, staring at the picture when Wendy and Bebe were hugging each other, smiling like they were having the most amazing time ever. "Wendy and Bebe hate each other."

"How do you know?

"Stan mentioned it once. Wendy always cries to him, confessing how Bebe wants to sabotage his class presidency campaign and her cheerleader captaincy."

"That's just girl-world functioning. I mean, the yearbook looks fake to me not only because it shows people pretending to be friends. It's how they put so much effort looking...happy, you know? Enjoying clubs like they weren't in there for college credit. Cheering on the team like they weren't intimidated by the stupid jocks in the hallways. Having fun in recesses, like they weren't worried about who to sit with, or where to belong. It's like there were no problems in those shitty pages..."

"You don't like yearbooks, right?" asked Kenny, laughing like he said something extremely funny

Craig hated those kind of reactions, not only because it was a nervous one —very deep inside, he knew Kenny had never actually gotten him—, but he also now hated Kenny's sad smile. He wanted him to open up, but Kenny had never really spoken his mind. He wanted to grab him and force him to tell him everything, but that was just impossible

An awkward silence dominated the room afterwards. Kenny was saying sorry for not getting him, for not speaking his mind, but only with his eyes. Where was that free-spirited Kenny everybody talked about and admired? That was as fake as that yearbook. He never was a really free person. The pressure to still fit into his friends and not be left alone, to not end up like his father, to protect Karen and hide her from the disgrace of being a McCormick. He pretended he didn't care about all that stuff by acting like a spontaneous and apathetic person. But that was just paint on the wall. The mystery of Kenny was unraveled; His smile was sad because he was a sad person.

Right after Kenny finished putting all the clubs' pictures in the yearbook, Craig decided to talk.

"I received the response of my adoption letter yesterday."

"And?" Kenny looked at him with sparkling eyes. Craig could tell he wanted to hold his hand, but didn't dare.

"Neither of my biological parents want to be found, so there's no need to wait until I'm eighteen to know them. That will never happen."

"Oh."

Even though Kenny didn't say anything else, Craig could see he was feeling terrible. Deep inside, Kenny blamed himself for almost every problem between them, even something unrelated to him like this. It's like he wanted to save Craig for any bad thing that could happen to him, but that was impossible

He always suspected he wasn't his parents biological son. It was so obvious, not only from his personality but his appearance as well. He was so tall and his hair was so dark. When he looked at himself at the mirror he couldn't see his dad's eyes or his mom's smile. There wasn't anything of a Tucker in his body but his shitty attitude of flipping everything off. When he found a suspicious document in his father's desk, he didn't feel sad. It was like all of his answers about everything was in finding his biological parents. He was so excited about discovering the whole truth, pulling all the threads and finally solving the puzzle. But now it was just some other eternal promise, and even though he was sad about it, he actually preferred it that way. He was afraid of being disappointed

Some seemingly eternal minutes passed after that. Craig could tell it was a large amount of time because of the times Kenny changed his position in bed. He knew Kenny wanted to keep talking about it, but instead, he changed the subject. "I found Karen crying in her bedroom this morning."

"Really? What happened to her?"

"I don't know, actually. She hugged me and cried, swearing she didn't know what she was crying for."

"Well, she's about to turn thirteen now, it's probably the hormones."

"Yeah.

That simplistic comment was enough to not keeping talking about that. It was obviously more than just hormones, it was more like...a maelstrom. The anxiety, the confusion, the intensity of actually knowing what it is to grow up...The emotional roller-coaster she was probably feeling, the frustration about realizing you're actually lost and alone...That confession of his sister seemed almost like a confession about himself. Craig wanted to hug him, or at least touch his hair and telling him everything was going to be okay. But they hadn't had physical contact since the month before.

"I shouldn't have invited you to my home that time," Craig had told him. That had been the worst thing he ever said to him; And so untrue. That's why he never wanted to insist on unraveling what was between them. The result was always him telling a cruel, untruthful comment, and Kenny's eyes revealing how heartbroken he was.

They had had their usual daily discussion. Craig could only remember an awful sex routine: Kenny calling him a selfish asshole and Craig implying Kenny was some kind of a man whore, making sarcastic comments. Kenny had became angry and Craig had had the worst headache ever so had asked him to shut his mouth. Kenny hadn't wanted to shut his mouth, and Craig shouted at him

After a long silence, after he had spat out those fatal words, Kenny had smiled sadly, his eyes sparkling. Craig had regretted it instantly.

"Why do you hate me so much these days?" Kenny had asked, his voice broken.

"You have been avoiding me." Instead of saying sorry, Craig just kept making it worse; He couldn't control himself.

"That's not true. I mean...Well, I have friends, you know? Social activities, parties."

"I'm better than all those shits and you know it. What's so special about your asshole friends?" He was so jealous of the fucking people Kenny used to hang out with in public. Why he was still hanging around Cartman and the rest of his stupid friends? They were a bunch of troublesome people with nothing special about them.

"Are you trying to control me, like a psychopath or something?"

"I never said anything of that. It's just that... We made a commitment, Kenny. You made a commitment with me. You were the one insisting me, following me to the railways and..."

"I didn't want this, Craig. Just the two of us, hiding in your room."

"I don't want to hang out with your stupid friends. I've already told you, I hate them."

"What about your friends? Are you ashamed of me or something?"

"No. But I don't want you to get along with them."

"Why is that?" Kenny had asked indignantly.

"Because you're not like them."

"So what? When we were kids we used to hang out a lot. Plus, everybody in school liked me!"

"That's not true, Kenny."

"What isn't true?"

"Look, high school is cruel. People are cruel. Just because you're pretty doesn't mean people really care about you."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Craig had said finally. He knew Kenny thought everybody really cared about him, but people in high school were shallow, selfish. Kenny was only popular with people because of the way he looked, and they really thought he was single, so they were only hoping for him to give them what they wanted. And what they wanted was just sex, or a kiss if it was a cheesy girl.

After that, they silently agreed to not keeping talking about how destroyed their relationship was.

Why they couldn't have a normal relationship? Sometimes Craig could bear not talking with his friends for weeks, and anything was fine. After all, they had different interests and activities. But with Kenny, everything was different. He couldn't stand the idea of being separated from Kenny; just to think of it hurt like hell. But, at the same time, they had so many secrets under the sheets, waiting to be revealed, waiting for their time to appear and ruin everything.

That was just another little discussion. Because everything was little in their little world, except for them. They were big, really big, because in their little world they were the only ones, isolated from everyone.

It was like they silently decided to not to touch each other, not talk about their problems. They didn't want to unravel the hormones, along with the hidden passion. The failure of their relationship and the lack of understanding that came after every discussion they had, or every failed sexual relationship they wished had never happened.

Now, they were at the opposite sides of the bed observing each other, silently. They knew the end was close, and they really wanted —actually needed— to find a way out, an escape route, an option to not be torn apart from each other, but it was impossible. You can't live with just love.

In the end, their relationship was nothing but an eternal promise that would never happen. One can dream about said promise, wishing for something beautiful to come from it all. However, they were just what Craig hated so much: A picture in the yearbook. And, secretly, Craig wanted it to keep to that way. When they started to get really deep into each other, delving too far into one another's lives, they ruined it. For the first time in his life, Craig wished he could have been shallow and have a superficial relationship with Kenny, but he couldn't help it. That would never happen, because they would never be able to understand each other.


	3. Do you wanna talk about it?

**Toys in the attic**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not know South Park. I wrote this for fun**

**Beta: Courtaine again :) thank you very much, again.**

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Chap three: Do you wanna talk about it?

_The worst feeling is suddenly __realising__ that you don't measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool._

— _**My so called life**_

_We are on a hiding to nowhere,_

_We still hope, but our dreams are not the same._

_And I, I lost before I started,_

_I__'__m collapsing in stellar clouds of gas._

**Muse**_**—**_** Big Freeze**

* * *

Two years passed by; Kenny was the one who left him.

They were at a lousy party. Craig had guided Kenny to some bedroom to be alone with him. Obviously, they only stood in front of each other for a few minutes, with an awkward silence between them.

"If we can't stand each other, why are we still together?" Kenny had asked with stoicism on his face, trying not to let tears fall down.

That simple question was actually the perfect way to define the end of it. Craig had being too stupid to have enough common sense to break up. Despite the rage Craig was feeling, he only agreed silently with Kenny and wished him the best. They didn't need a dramatic discussion. That was it. Craig had smiled meekly, trying to hold his tears, because he never cried; it was too embarrassing. Kenny dried his tears, returning the expression, and closed the bedroom door, rejoining the party.

Although they never talked openly about their failed relationship, rumours began to spread. It was Cartman's fault, basically. The fat ass could notice the tension between them when they were close, since their lockers were next to one another's. They didn't even dare to look at each other's eyes, even trying to avoid conversations when they needed to be close for school projects. Not that it happened very often, but it was so obvious that Cartman's morbid imagination went too far and the stories began to fly. However, Craig's worries over Kenny being sad over their break up disappeared as he watched him pick up the slack and start dating anew rather rapidly.

Now they were seniors, finally close to the end. Graduation was just around the corner, so the class was constantly planning activities to spend their last moments together. One activity ended up being Stan's band's final concert, in an abandoned factory. Craig was talking with his friends about their summer plans, until he saw Kenny lighting up that place full of shadows.

He didn't realise until then how tall Kenny had become, grabbing that plastic cup casually, he almost looked like an adult. Stan whispered into his ear and he laughed. His voice was still there, cheerful, full of colours. Craig remembered the way he used to sleep in his arms, talking to him in a near whisper about eternal love, immortality, and things that didn't even exist.

The lounge was dark, but he stood out from all the people there. He wasn't like all those teenagers that thought they were a snowflake, so different and special, having to shout to make themselves be heard. Kenny was above all those things, without even making an effort to stand out with weird clothes or angsty poems. He was a subject of attention by merely being himself. He was wrong years ago, everybody loved him because the way he was: uncaring, cheerful, free-spirited. It was so easy for him to paint a smile on everyone's face.

Stan whispered yet again and they both laughed so hard Kenny almost spilled his drink. He looked genuinely happy, being back with his friends. Kyle called Stan to help with the arrangements, who stood up and went to the stands. In that moment, with Stan no longer blocking the view, their eyes met for a couple of seconds.

Kenny realised who he was locking gazes with and looked down, like a child being caught misbehaving. Craig sat on the stairs a few meters from him, feeling nostalgic. His chest felt empty. The past was calling him; His old room, the rainy days, Kenny's tired voice comforting him. The smell of the coffee he used to drink seemed so real...

That detail caught his attention. He got close to Kenny, almost without thinking.

"Are you drinking black coffee?" Craig questioned. Kenny bashfully tried to hide the cup, but it was too late. "I thought you hated it."

The guilty face of Kenny was so familiar to him he almost laughed. They weren't strangers after all. Kenny blinked, scratched his head, and showed him the broken plastic cup. "Well... It reminds me... Of you."

"Oh."

Kenny's face was burning in shame. He looked at his sneakers, lost for anything to say for a couple of minutes. The dark lounge was getting louder as the air between the two of them remained awkwardly silent. People were getting excited about the final concert of the band. To make the waiting even more exciting, some guy put a 90's mix and all were singing along nostalgically to Alice in Chains' lyrics. After all, being an angsty teenager was still a common thing.

"I know, it's very cheesy. But I can't help it." Kenny finally muttered when a playing of 'Them Bones' ended.

Craig could notice Kenny was felling terribly ashamed. He took a deep breath and confessed, "You know... After we split up, I bought your cologne at Wal-mart."

"Really?" He blinked, eyes full of wonder. "That cheap cologne you said you hated?"

"Yeah," He shrugged. "I only used it on nights and weekends, that way no one would know I missed you. That cologne is so you that..."

"I get it." Kenny interjected, feeling a twinge of relief at the admittance. "Believe me. I understand how you feel... I mean, how you felt or... Whatever."

They kept staring at each other, Craig easily able to tell that Kenny was still feeling embarrassed. Craig thought about telling him he used to check his Facebook profile ten times a day since they broke up until only recently, burning in anger, feeling betrayed... But he decided instead to tell him the less humiliating things that'd come about since their break up. "I have to admit, I miss your hair, your dreamy, sad eyes, and your... y-your full, kissable lips. Is that cheesy enough to make you feel less embarrassed?"

"Yeah, a little bit..." Kenny chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Craig asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Nothing, really, It's just that... we both miss each other, but just... Physical things. You know? I miss your deep voice whispering, the way you'd flip me off after I said something stupid, your kisses that tasted like coffee... And here you are missing all that things you said. So, in the end, we did have something in common..." he shrugged.

"We're both shallow twonks". Kenny laughed, seeming truly happy for a moment. Craig smiled when he realised that.

"That's another thing I miss. Your serious-arrogant-asshole smile." Kenny said, looking at his lips and inching closer.

Craig knew if he kept doing that, he was going to lose control. Kenny was still irresistible, and they both knew it. Kenny raised slowly his hand. Craig knew he wanted to grab his neck as he used to, because Kenny knew that drove him crazy. Craig stopped him by grabbing him by his wrist. "Look... I just wanted to know... If you were happy now."

He smiled sadly, and Craig realised he was still in love with Kenny after all this time. It wasn't just the nostalgia of past days. "That's an odd question," Kenny observed.

"How's that?"

"I mean, you told me once people can't stay happy forever, because happiness isn't a definite thing; it's just... a state. Like liquid, gaseous, and that stuff is just as temporary as being sad, or angry, or... destroyed on the inside."

"I forgot I told you that," Craig replied.

"I didn't. I remember everything you ever told me."

"Everything?" Craig was actually afraid of knowing the answer; after all, he'd said some pretty cruel things to the blonde in the past. However, he just couldn't help asking.

"Everything," he confirmed. "I've always looked up to you, and that never changed, like a definite thing."

"Well, I hope you meet better role models than me in college."

"That's going to be difficult. I learned a lot from you... By the way, where are you going after graduation?"

"Northwestern," Craig answered.

"That's awesome! I knew you'd be accepted in a good college. How did you get in? I thought you didn't apply for schools. "

"Pulling my pride away and starting to do all that shitty things you must do to get into college," he scoffed lightly.

"Well, I'm glad to know you've changed for the better. We're going to be very far from each other, then," Kenny pointed out.

"Where did you get in?"

"UCSD. Pretty great, huh?" he beamed.

"Yeah. Are you going with those assho- I mean, with your friends?"

"No," Kenny shook his head. "Kyle is going to Caltech, and Stan to Duke. Cartman applied to UCSD, too, but he screwed up. He ended up only getting into the Community College of Denver."

"I thought you were all applying together," he raised his brow.

"Nah. We have different interests. It's sad, but I can't be with them forever."

Craig realised that maturity had made Kenny even more of an amazing mind. He didn't think about the bad moments, the oppression of being together, or the discussions they had. He couldn't help but think about how kind Kenny always had been.

"Didn't the fat ass try to manipulate you to go Community College with him?" He asked, trying not to lose himself in his memories.

"Yeah, a lot. I guess that... I'm already missing him,"

"Really?"

"Of course not! Don't be so naive," he laughed.

When they both broke into laughter, Craig felt as though they were sharing something... uncertain. "You know... you've changed for good, too" mentioned Craig after they finally calmed down.

"Do you think we still know each other?" Kenny suddenly asked.

"What do you mean?"

Kenny looked at his sneakers, showing his embarrassment shining through once more. "I don't know why I'm asking this, actually, but I just remembered when we were strangers, and when we were... You know... Together. I never knew you. I only used to watch you from the distance. The way you flipped people off. The way you sat in class like you didn't care. How often you used to skip classes like you never really cared to match up to us." He paused, biting his lip shyly. "I remember one weekend, I went to the school benches with the guys to make a mess and you were there by yourself, doing nothing. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "You watched me for a very long time."

"I wanted to know the reasons why you acted like that. Solve the mystery. Does that sounds weird to you?" he asked.

"Not at all," Craig laughed, that question was very Kenny, after all. "Sad to say I'm not a mystery, merely an asshole who's sick of school, just like everyone else."

The sound of applause broke through their moment, the band taking their place on stage. Kenny tried to touch his hand once again. Craig let him. Kenny sighed, "I felt like I hated you. You seemed so pretentious and cynical to me. It was obvious you thought of yourself as a big deal in comparison to us. But if I hated you so much, why did I want to be with you? It made no sense and I couldn't stop thinking about you. That's why I wanted to get to know you better."

Craig took his hand back and grabbed Kenny's face, sensing his soft hair, his cheeks... Without even thinking, he pressed his lips against Kenny in a short, but intense contact.

"I hope I can forget you one day." Kenny whispered against him when the kiss finally ended. People were openly staring at them, but Craig didn't mind. For the first time in what seemed to be so long, everything was okay.

"Me too," he finally answered breathlessly.

"I think it's going to be easier now since we'll be thousands of kilometres apart."

"Yeah..." he agreed solemnly. The band started and the audience went crazy. The boys looked at each other, breaking into smiles, and they rushed to join the crazy teenage catharsis.

They were finally grown up, but they knew they still couldn't be together, no matter how much they loved each other. After all, if they were to start a mature relationship right then, they would still be incompatible. The discussions wouldn't be that violent, no doubt the sex would probably be better, and certainly they would be able to finally communicate clearly. But they still didn't match together. So, in the end, they would grow apart, the ones that they were that loved each other would remain forever seated in their last great moments together. It seemed they already forgave each other, but the bruises and the scars in their souls were there for a reason: Not to resent each other, but to learn from their teenage years.

Craig knew he could never find anyone as special as Kenny, but at the same time, he knew they just didn't match. He also knew this time, the present time, wasn't for lament, but for live life; Jumping, singing, and dancing alone in the dark.

In retrospect, there were three moments that could define his relationship with Kenny: When Craig pulled away all of his prejudices, dreaming about something great but not putting enough effort towards understanding him better. When he asked himself if that was worth it, not realising they would never match no matter how hard they tried. And now it was this moment, understanding to not wallow in remorse, because it was far too late for that.

* * *

Ok... please don't kill me for this ending. The thing is... I'm a really Crenny fan, you know? But sometimes I think they don't really belong together. Like, you know, those dreamy relationships where they seem just perfect, to complement each other, but in the end it's actually just what it seems: an eternal promise, something that will never happen.

The chapters' titles were about a Porcupine Tree's son called 'Way out of here'. I didn't want to mention it before because it could be a... Spoiler, maybe? Well, the summary was eloquent enough about the ending of this fanfic. Anyway, I didn't do it before because of reasons, whatever those reasons were :P but the song says a lot about the ending of this fanfic.


End file.
